You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
