I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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