You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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