If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
