i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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