Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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