I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is Oprah even human
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
