He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
