Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
