Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
