not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
