apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can't turn off my feet"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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