Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
