Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
