I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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