I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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