The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
