Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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