My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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