Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
