last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
