Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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