I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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