i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
