just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
