u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
