dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
