right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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