U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year