I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
