no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
