dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
