tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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