Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
