I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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