I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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