Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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