Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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