Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
There's even glitter on my cock...
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