between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
