I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
