when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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