my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
