did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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