Don't make out with my wife yet
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
