I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
