seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
