I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
