I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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