i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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