One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
