I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize