I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
