My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
