Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
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want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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